Modern Dating is so High-Stakes

I don’t date. There’s something about dating that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I don’t fully understand why people date. I mean, I understand on some objective level why people do it: it just doesn’t click with me.

This can be strange coming from a social person like myself – I like meeting people, getting to know people, and forming connections with people – but I feel much safer doing so under low stakes environments.

Dating will always seem like a high stakes process to me because a decision is necessary at the end of each date – do I want to continue seeing this person? While we do end up making similar decisions implicitly about other people we hang out with, it is this very implicit nature that makes it low stakes. There’s no signaling game you have to play trying to indicate interest or lack thereof. You can make plans in the future, or you may not. You can go a long time without hanging out, or you might hang out the next day, and there’s nothing riding on any of that. There’s no pressure for the relationship to “go somewhere”.

Dating can be so awkward. When you decide not to continue seeing someone, it can be awkward having to tell them that. That’s why so many people ghost each other. It’s less awkward and more efficient, and in my eyes, rude and soulless. Or imagine you liked spending time with somebody but for whatever reason do not wish to pursue them “romantically”. It can be awkward telling them that in case feelings are hurt. Some people can go on to become friends, but most end up never keeping in touch ever again, even if there was potential there for a great friendship.

Another source of awkwardness comes from the insular nature of dating: it’s just you and one other person hanging out a couple of times, hyper-focused on each other, trying to get to know each other, and trying to figure out if you like each other. In contrast, when I hang out with a new acquaintance, we usually figure out who we know in common and then hang out in a larger group. It’s through a combination of hanging out one-on-one and in larger groups that I have gotten to know people well. But that’s not ideal in a dating scenario because it can lead to potential awkwardness within the whole group if things don’t work out. And even if you do meet the friends of someone you’re dating, you don’t quite have the same freedom to get close to them as you would when you meet the friends of friends.

I get asked – a lot – “But don’t you want companionship?” My answer is: yes I do, but I want low-stakes low pressure companionship – and I have plenty of it because I have plenty of friends. But I don’t I want a life partner? Don’t I want to get married?

To answer that, I am going to have to take a step back. Thus far, I have been talking about dating in the context of dating strangers – going on dates with someone you don’t know that well and trying to get to them. These could be people you met on dating apps or people you were set up with, but I feel like getting set up is more and more becoming a thing of the past. And that’s what I consider to be so awkward and don’t want to engage in.

Before the advent of online dating, it was much more common to hear about folks meeting people within their communities – at school, at church/other place of worship, at work, etc. Community can provide the comfort of a low-stakes environment because you already have common ground to build off. But there is that problem of potential awkwardness if things don’t work out – you can’t avoid running into that person if you belong to the same community. Perhaps that’s why people are moving away from this model towards the online dating model.

What about dating someone you already know well? It does happen, though, based on anecdotal evidence, my impression is that this is rare. When two people who know each other well already start “dating” the whole thing is different. You’re not trying to get to know someone under a high pressure scenario, you’re trying to figure out whether you want to make a commitment to somebody you already know very well. This can come with its own risks of potentially ruining a friendship, but hopefully if the friendship was strong enough, it can withstand the pressure of trying to determine compatibility.

But like I said, as far as I can tell, this is probably not very common (any more). I get the sense that when people meet someone they find attractive (and available), they tend to ask them out early on in the relationship such that the “getting to know each other” occurs in the context of dating each other rather than in the context of being friends.

Some people don’t find the prospect of dating friends appealing because they might want the thrill of forming “romantic” connections with someone new, the thrill of flirting and playing the signaling game, and the excitement of having a good time with someone attractive. I can somewhat see the appeal of this thrill and excitement, but on the whole, I don’t think I have a particular need for it. I’m more focused on the pressure and awkwardness of this dating business that turns me off it from the get go.

There’s also the thrill and excitement people get from getting physically close with someone new, and that’s something my asexual/demisexual brain just will not understand. I watch movie after movie where this happens and I try to develop an objective outsider’s perspectives, but I just do not relate.

Then there are other folks who aren’t necessarily seeking this thrill, but they have their reasons for wanting a serious relationship. In those scenarios, I think they are trying to get to know people with the hope of forming emotional bonds. I can respect that, but personally, it feels inauthentic. Emotional bonds can’t be formed by deliberately trying to form them – they have to occur naturally.

But if those seeking serious relationships don’t have anyone in their lives they can be with, they have to turn to strangers. Dating apps are the most efficient place because they operate like marketplaces. There’s demand and supply that can be negotiated according to your preferences. You can try to find a partner in the same way you try to find a job (you give interviews) or try to hire an employee (you screen, then interview candidates), except that you have to do both at the same time. Power to the people who make this system work for them, but to me there’s something too cold about it.

I hate the idea of having to choose candidates based on superficial characteristics. I hate having the pressure of having to make a decision and worrying at the back of my head whether I’ve given the candidate a fair shot. I hate being in an environment where I would have to aggressively protect my interest even at the risk of hurting someone else’s feelings.

For those who want to get married or to have a serious relationship, dating (typically through dating apps) is basically the only solution left. It can be unpleasant (we’ve all heard horror stories of bad dates), but a necessary evil in order to get to the outcome you want.

And there are also those people who “date casually”… whatever that means. Dating casually sounds like turning the dating game into a low pressure scenario like the one I’ve described. I suppose it would mean staying away from the signaling, having no pressure to make decisions, etc. This can create problems if the other party isn’t on board, so if you’re “casually” dating, please do so transparently and responsibly. Personally, I can’t see why you can’t just hang out with your friends, but I suppose it comes down to that thrill and excitement (and probably it’s really all about sex).

I personally don’t find the outcome of dating that appealing. I don’t want to “date casually” because hanging out with my friends is fun enough for me. And the prospect of finding a life partner isn’t incentive enough for me to go through a process I find so unappealing. I also think it’s unlikely that any of my friends are ever going to wake up one day and develop an interest in me; so the only way I see myself ever dating anyone is if it is someone who willing to wait to get to know me as friends first. And I don’t think that’s particularly likely either.

But the important thing about all this is that I’m totally cool with it. And that’s what so many people in my life fail to understand.