Recovered from Facebook Notes. Posted on June 28, 2014, i.e., Ramadan from 10 years ago, back when the fasts were ~18 hours long. It was quite a different experience now, and I’m glad I wrote this, because it is worth remembering the struggles I had faced during that part of life.
Happy Ramadan! (Or Ramadan Mubarak or Ramadan Kareem if you prefer it that way).
I’m actually feeling kind of miserable about it. And I need to talk about it. I just wanted to share my thoughts with those of you who I figured might have some perspective that could help me feel better.
So if you’d take some time to read through this and share your thoughts, I would really appreciate it. I was trying to keep it short, hence the numbered list. Please feel free to write to me privately if you don’t want to comment on this note.
Here are all the thoughts bugging me now:
1. I am extremely unproductive during Ramadan.
2. I feel dizzy from hunger the whole day and then I feel dizzy from food after Iftar (regardless of how much I eat, and I don’t over-eat. Usually.)
3. When I’m hungry at work, I can’t focus on anything, I’m extremely irritable, and I feel like crying at every little thing.
4. Maybe I could out an email at work saying, “Hi everyone, I might be fasting for Ramadan. Please forgive me if my work is sloppy; and if I get irritable or overly emotional, don’t take it personally.”
5. Did I mention I feel like shit and can’t focus on work if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep every night?
6. I just got a car! I’m excited but also nervous about driving. But I don’t want to spend another whole month not driving to work especially since I just got a car. “I’m too scared to drive when I’m hungry and dizzy.” That sounds so lame. But it’s true; I haven’t drove in a whole year, and even then I’ve only drove a handful of times.
7. On most days I feel too tired after work to make myself dinner. If I do try to cook anything that takes a little bit of effort, it ends up taking too long, and I end up crying because I’m so hungry.
8. My only option is eating frozen meals? Or PBnJ? Or Chinese food or Domino’s pizza which are the only walking-distance food places from where I live? But Jimmy Johns delivers, I guess.
9. There’s also the fact that these are the longest Ramadan hours ever since I was born.
10. All of that being said, you know the worst part? I’m not even worried about making all 30 fasts. I’ve never made all 30. But I’m afraid this time I can’t even make 2. Last year, I barely made 5 or 6 I think.
11. Yeah, last year was my worst. I got sick pretty early on, possibly due to dehydration. And the times that I did fast, I spent my time sprawled in bed or in a couch. That’s why I’m doubting myself this time.
12. I can’t get sick again. I can’t imagine being sick all by myself in Willow Grove.
13. And this is also when I recall all the times I managed to fast continuously through difficult circumstances without getting sick… If I could do it then, why can’t I now?
14. Well, back in Dhaka, of course it’s different when everyone is fasting as well. That can give you the motivation to fast even on days when we ran around in the sun.
15. When I’ve fasted here in the US during my Penn pre-orientation (during which they wanted to constantly feed us) and during my summer internship, I think part of my motivation came from my very public show of steadfastness, people admiring my grit, and people trying to delay dinner and making sure I got food at Iftar. It also felt really good to expose all these people to Ramadan.
16. Then again, I stopped fasting when we went to that Conference at the end of the summer internship. I felt a little guilty about that. (but I might have been on my period too? Can’t remember.) But then there was the inevitable question, “so how come you’re not fasting today?”. “Errr…I didn’t feel upto it?”
At this point, I feel like I should explain: my concerns over Ramadan do not have that much of a religious basis. I don’t feel like I have to fast because I am a Muslim and because fasting is fard. Hey, praying 5 times a day is fard, and I average 0-1 times a day, if we’re making an optimistic estimate. Like I said, I’ve never felt compelled to complete all my 30 fasts and I’ve been very content with my 15-20 fasts per Ramadan my whole life. But at the same time, I hate how this time might end up becoming just like last year or even worse. I want to keep fast because Ramadan has been an important part of my life growing up, and I want to hold on to it. I have always enjoyed how it has challenged me, but now I feel like it’s too much of a challenge. And also it’s incredibly fun and rewarding when you face the challenge with a bunch of other people, but now I don’t have that either.
During Ramadan, on days I am not fasting, I do want to make a sincere effort to eat very little and completely avoid snacks. I haven’t been entirely successful. But I’ve felt extremely mad at the lack of support I got on this issue. From Muslims. Especially in Dhaka, too. “Well if you’re not fasting, then let me feeeeeeeed you!!” I mean, am I not allowed to try to experience Ramadan without actually fasting? Oh and a lot of people also imply that I am hypocritical and/or wishy-washy for trying to “kind of fast but not really”. It’s All or Nothing Yo!
Okay, venting done, I am hoping for some feedback. I am not looking for advice on what I should do? I am looking for some perspective on am I justified in my concerns, or are these meaningful concerns of someone who has been privileged all their lives? Am I weak, whether physically or mentally for thinking I can’t do it? Ramadan aside, I have been worrying about this lately. I feel like everyone else at work runs on much fewer hours of sleep and they can keep working long hours without food.
I think what it is really is that Ramadan is the time when I miss home the most and I feel the most alone. I’m not making excuses for why I can’t fast. I’m saying that I miss Ramadan. I miss celebrating Ramadan.
Tushmit's Stream of Consciousness 