Written in January 2016
Did you know it’s a bad idea to take graduate level Economics courses when you haven’t taken any intermediate Econ? You probably knew that. I don’t know what I was thinking. Likely that all I need to do is somehow get through the courses and barely pass. What I failed to account for was the fact that an essential component of my personality is the desire to learn and master the skills to apply the knowledge that I have obtained. With some luck, I might still get through these courses, but it is a bit too much of a stretch to hope that I will be mastering any of these skills.
You see, growing up, I had this misconception about how smart I was. Part of it had to do with being too full of myself, but the other part was that I was constantly told I was an exceptional student – all because I had consistently good grades. It wasn’t until college that I came to fully appreciate just how mediocre a student I was – and all the years of my ego being fed by praises from my teachers made that realization extremely painful. My experiences as an undergraduate student fundamentally changed the way I viewed myself, and I think this was crucial for me to be able to survive in grad school (that is, if I make it through). Many students drop out of grad school (or at least consider dropping out) because the experience of not being able to keep up with the class and getting poor grades can be devastating. I’ve already been there, done that.
Thinking back to my undergraduate years, I think I have finally managed to identify why I struggled so much when I had absolutely thrived in high school. The answer is: practice, practice, practice. During high school, although I didn’t realize it at the time, I had a very light course load. So I was able to spend hours on each course practicing. I was the kind of student who did every problem in the Math textbook. I practiced solving as many past years’ exams were available to me. I left no stones unturned. In college, I was completely unprepared for the fact that I wouldn’t possibly have enough time to get in as much practice. And the fact that I hadn’t initially realized that I was far behind everyone else in terms of time-management, being used to a heavy course load, and performance with little to no practice didn’t help either. In my engineering coursework, we were usually given only one or two past exams for practice and that was expected to be enough. And then again, it was not like the exams we were given were going to be too similar to the ones we saw. No wonder I floundered. I don’t know if my classmates were used to this from their rigorous American high schools, but I wasn’t.
Fast forward to grad school, it’s the same situation, but magnified tenfold. Not only do the professors seem to expect we know a lot more than some of us actually do, but many of the exams I have taken so far tend to be on material that was only briefly touched upon during lecture. First of all, there is a huge variance in the knowledge level in the class. Many of the students have come from top European schools with a Master’s in Economics. Most American students have only intermediate-level knowledge in Economics, because Masters in Economics pretty much is not offered in this country. Then there are a few people like me with only introductory knowledge in Economics, but to add to that, they at least have more of a background in Math than I do. I did not expect that I would have had to have any knowledge of Real Analysis or Measure Theory, and I certainly do not know enough Linear Algebra or Matrix Algebra that would be necessary to get through these courses. I have been attempting to learn as I go, but watching lecture videos on YouTube or reading a textbook cannot substitute for the semester’s worth of practice that I require. I’ve met many people claim that they were able to do it, and then it’s easy to think that I can do it too; but I need to remind myself: I am not that smart. For the first time, I understand what it feels like to be the student who finds the lectures go over their heads, and who feels that their knowledge base is way too weak to be able to absorb any of these advanced topics being taught. There is just absolutely no hope of being able to catch up. My only option is to soldier through and hope I manage to pass. What a sad day it is for someone with the passion for learning.
Second of all, our professors are extremely smart. Our professors are the best in their years, the cream of the crop. They cannot possibly understand how much the weak students are struggling. Learning this material comes naturally to them. Some of them really can learn complex mathematical concepts after studying it for only three hours and then be able to apply those concepts perfectly the first time. And given that they are teaching a class full of PhD students, they kind of expect everyone to be like that. When professors make a joke like “And now we will apply Leibnitz Rule, which you learned in early childhood,” then there is no use telling us that we’re only experiencing the impostor syndrome. You really are an impostor if you have no idea what the Professor is saying and he thinks he is talking about something that you know like the back of your hand.
I do perform very terribly in my exams. And at this point in time, I have no idea what the end of first-year holds for me. Will I pass the prelim exams and make it through to second year? I don’t know. But I’m not freaking out. I’m not all that much disheartened by my lack of success either. Aside from the fact that I have accepted my poor exam scores as a reality, I have also come to realize that in grad school, you’re not seen as a failure even with your poor scores. At the end of my first quarter, I was somewhat shocked when my grades were much better than the terrible scores I got on my exams. I think maybe the professors just take it for granted that we made it this far because we are committed to learn as much as we can and study as hard as we can. They write whatever exam is fun for them to write, and only the smartest students are able to ace them. For the weaker students, as long as they are able to make some progress on the tests, they pass, and with B-grades at that. The idea, I think, is to expose us to as much material as they possibly can, and they know that when we need this material in the future, we will know where to look and be able to teach it to ourselves. So, right now, I understand that I have to give up hopes of experiencing the joys of learning. I only have to focus on the trials of struggling to pass.
Tushmit's Stream of Consciousness 